Monday thoughts

It's funny how the deepest thoughts come when you're doing the most thoughtless activity. Seems these days, my mind tends to wander around as I'm driving to and from work. On DC's radio station 99.5, Kane kept talking about karma and how it always comes back around. God (or whoever/whatever) doesn't like ugly. You'll always get your payback in one way or another. Sometimes it won't come for awhile, and other times, it will come right away. You might not even relate your bad ju ju to a bad decision on your part. But karma always comes back. This is largely the reason why I don't believe in revenge. Yes, easy for me to say right? But I'm not perfect. I get mad and I wish ugly things on horrible people who hurt me. But in the end, I let it go. It's just not worth it. I don't want to hurt anyone in the end. Hurting them isn't going to make the hurt go away for me. I'm still the one sitting there heartbroken, offended, or sad. Besides, it's too much energy for me to stay angry. Or I should admit, the anger doesn't stay long enough for me to take revenge. That person will get his or her due without me.

Anyway, the topic of karma and letting karma take care of itself came up later today. A friend and I were talking about her fiance, past boyfriends and how bad they were to us. She just got engaged and was telling me how terrific her fiance was when he asked her father for permission to marry her. She just cried right there in front of everyone (and trust me, the father, mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins...everyone--was there to watch the poor man ask for her hand. Talk about stress). She couldn't believe how lucky she was to find someone like him. She loved him even more that day. She told me that she used to date someone who treated her like shit. He wouldn't even bother hiding the fact that he was checking out or flirting with her own cousin! She used to always sit and wonder why the relationship wasn't working. What she was doing wrong. Why he was being so mean and hurtful. But she always asked what it was she was doing.

It was like looking into some creepy funhouse mirror. I felt the same way. I used to wonder what it was I was doing that was making him react this way. What was it I said? Did I not say it right? Or maybe I'm not smart, pretty, funny, or thin enough. Maybe it's something I need to work on. I realized that I was always blaming myself--that I was always the one willing to compromise or take shit. It is true- girls always go for the jerks. It also takes dating a few (or a lot of ) jerks before we wake up, if some do at all. I know I'm still practicing some of these bad habits. I never stand up for myself when someone is being awful. I meekly complain but for the most part, I take it. Maybe I'm afraid if I piss him off, he'll walk away without thinking twice about it. Sometimes I rationalize that he'll feel bad later for saying what he said. Perhaps we need to stop thinking with our crotch and listening to our hearts so much. Whatever his excuse, and whatever mine, it's all crap.

So as she and I talked, we got to thinking that even though it was bad for us, we wouldn't be who we are without that experience. We wouldn't appreciate what we have now and how good it is without first seeing how horrible it could be. Just as much, we learned to love because of these bad guys. Maybe because I've been hurt so much that I know I can never do the same to another. Whether someone deserves it or not, pain is pain. I've been on the other side too often to know that getting your heart broken always hurts, no matter how tough the person. But now she found this great guy who had the guts to stand in front of a skeptical family and bravely ask for her hand. Everything happens for a reason. I might not understand it now or even tomorrow. But somehow, things always work out. As long as we find the strength to walk away and have faith that if we hold out for someone who deserves us, maybe we'll get what we deserve too. There's bad karma, and there's good karma. I truly believe in that. As long as I treat those around me with love and compassion, someday I'll find someone who will love me just the same. :)